


Glass

by LeaderPinhead



Series: Shiraishi's Route [3]
Category: Collar x Malice (Visual Novel)
Genre: AU, F/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:55:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25205071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeaderPinhead/pseuds/LeaderPinhead
Summary: Sometimes, Shiraishi envied the simple life of No. 14. What Adonis desired was what No. 14 had desired. There were no icky feelings that turned his gut or doubts that caused him pause. No. 14 could drop everything on the whim of Adonis and never think twice.Kageyuki Shiraishi wanted to cry because of the woman smiling at him from the other side of the plexiglass.
Relationships: Hoshino Ichika/Shiraishi Kageyuki
Series: Shiraishi's Route [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1159325
Comments: 10
Kudos: 50





	Glass

Sometimes, Shiraishi envied the simple life of No. 14. What Adonis desired was what No. 14 had desired. There were no icky feelings that turned his gut or doubts that caused him pause. No. 14 could drop everything on the whim of Adonis and never think twice.

Kageyuki Shiraishi wanted to cry because of the woman smiling at him from the other side of the plexiglass. It was a gross feeling, burning the back of his eyes and constricting his lungs. At the same time, something in his gut twitched, and he could only equate it to the very vague description people gave of “butterflies in their stomach.” He had always found the phrase irritating. It was used as a positive phrase more often than not, but how could such a thing be considered a good thing? He never debated it long, just locked it away as another strange human trait that never helped him much as a profiler.

He understood it now. It wasn’t positive, but it heralded positive things as Ichika spoke, “Good afternoon, Shiraishi.”

Her voice made him swallow the sudden lump in his throat. He felt pathetic. It had been months since their last embrace on the roof. There were mountains of things he wanted to say. How much he loved her, how often he dreamed of her, how the thought of her was the only thing that kept him going day-to-day. How he needed her to stay away from other men, to not realize the pathetic choice he was compared to men like Yanagi or even Enomoto.

All he could manage was a choked, “Ichika…”

Ichika’s smile wavered, and he wanted to kick himself. A suspicious shine reflected from the corner of her wide green eyes. Shiraishi would have willingly forfeited all the skills that made him an excellent profiler if he could be ignorant enough not to notice her pooling tears. Her smile returned full force a moment later. “The guys send their well wishes. Even Sakuragawa and Mukai wanted you to know they’re still thinking of you.”

Shiraishi smirked at that, the emotional noose around his neck loosening. “I’m sure Mukai is ecstatic to have the department office to herself.”

“You’d be surprised.” Ichika’s smile adopted that sad lift again. “She’s still a little scary when she casually threatens you, but…I think she misses you too in her own way.”

Shiraishi frowned. A year ago, the thought of Mukai having _any_ positive response to him wasn’t even worth contemplating. Mukai had been one to the few constants in the station that he gave more than a passing thought. It had started as habit, and then became entertaining to provoke one of her cool threats. Even more entertaining to poke her until she exploded on him. Sometimes it happened without him even trying, so he had to recreate the scenario to figure out what had set her off. Mukai missing him…he blamed Ichika for that. Most of the past year and a half was Ichika’s fault.

He would do it all over again if given the option.

“Kazuki is doing well with his band.” It took him a moment to remember the name. Kazuki: Ichika’s younger brother. He had memorized the name from the brief letters they had been allowed to exchange, but remembering names was more difficult than he originally thought it would be, especially without a face to attach to it. Ichika continued, “He even gave me a ticket to his next concert. He didn’t make it into a big deal, but Enomoto got upset because the tickets had sold out the moment they went on sale. He’s been trying to convince me to sneak him in as a friend.”

Ichika went on, babbling about each individual in her life. Like he truly cared that Sasazuka had just returned from a trip to America or that Okazaki found some oddly named snack that had given him and his gofer food poisoning. Yanagi deciding to make his detective agency a real job instead of a front made something twitch in his chest, but he decided not to comment on that inevitability. He was fine with simply sitting and listening to Ichika’s voice even as he was aware that their time was slowly ticking down. The guard behind him was shuffling impatiently, likely ready to haul him back to his cell until he was dragged out again for his therapy session or the police needed clarification on information he had given them.

But Ichika continued to talk, and as long she talked, Shiraishi found himself drifting in an ocean of comfort he had missed. As long as she talked, he had no thoughts of becoming No. 14 again. As long as she talked, he knew that being Kageyuki Shiraishi was the life he wanted, the hardships and the icky feelings be damned. It took over ten years and Ichika to make him realize there was more to life than the path he had been set upon. The thought of a future was both pleasant and frightening.

“Oh!” Shiraishi blinked as Ichika paused her retelling of Enomoto almost burning his and Yanagi’s apartment (a smile of genuine amusement had spawned on his face as he was able to clearly imagine a frantic Enomoto attempting to tame the flames with his fan while Yanagi stood in the background holding his head). She twisted in her chair and began digging in the bag hanging off the back of her chair.

Shiraishi tensed as the guard behind him shifted, and his eyes darted to the guard on the opposite side of the plexiglass, who had stood by the door the entire time with a bored expression on his face. The guard behind him was the one who would assume she was pulling out some Adonis related material that would flip that switch between Kageyuki Shiraishi and No. 14. Shiraishi had picked that up when he first met the guy, with eyes that darted between him and the nearest exit. Always watching and flinching when Shiraishi smiled. He would be the first to draw his weapon on Shiraishi, haughty pride eager to earn a promotion. What better way than to single-handedly take down a known terrorist? Fear of Morioka was what kept him in line. Shiraishi could easily dissect that relationship between superior and subordinate during his interviews. That and the guard had an obvious cowardly streak. He wouldn’t act unless he knew for sure that Shiraishi was unable to retaliate. The dichotomy of pride and fear had served as one of the few points of interest for Shiraishi for the past three months. Some trauma in his past, likely involving a parent (more than likely the father given his reactions to Morioka), had caused the rift.

A happy sound from Ichika brought him from his musings. She smiled and her eyes shone brightly as she held out the paper for him to see. He blinked, and a genuine smile stretched his cheeks in response to both her innocent happiness and the picture. Cats—not just any cats, but the stray cats of Shinjuku. He recognized the black one with one white paw as No. 19, but the small litter of kittens surrounding her were a smattering of blacks and oranges.

“She had a litter of kittens!” Ichika said. She flipped the paper, and Shiraishi belatedly realized she held not one picture but a small pile of pictures. More cats—No. 1 lazily stretched in a pool of sun; No. 26 preparing to pounce on unassuming No. 8; No. 12 and No. 24 curled together; another litter of kittens piled on top of No. 32. Ichika flipped from one picture to another, pointing out each cat with a smile smug enough for Shiraishi to know she was genuinely proud for remembering the majority of their “names.” She returned to the first picture and pointed at a small calico. “I named this one Aoi because his eyes are such a pretty blue! He was the only one who let me get close enough to pet him, and he gets super excited when I play with him. He’ll fall over his front paws just trying to catch the cat toy.”

A huff escaped him loud enough for Ichika to pause. She tilted her head, and the huff evolved into a full chuckle. “Is he the only one you’ve adopted?”

A flush descended over her face, making Shiraishi lean back in his chair and chuckle more. Her cheeks bulged slightly in that embarrassed anger he loved to tease out of her. “He followed me home!”

“He did?” Shiraishi hummed. Ichika vigorously nodded. “Was that before or after you put down a trail treats for him to follow?”

The way her shoulders tensed and her eyes flicked abruptly to the side caused Shiraishi to fully laugh. The light, euphoric sensation that befell him was almost surreal. It made his pulse quicken, and he could hardly catch his breath. It was such a drastic contrast to the heavy weight of the white walls of his cell, sporadic interviews, and lengthy therapy session that Shiraishi barely knew how to mentally cope with it. This moment was so short-lived, but it already stretched for eternity.

Ichika sniffed at his laughter, but the blush smattering her cheeks belied the shortness of her tone. “He was hungry.”

The simple response made Shiraishi laugh more. He shifted his posture and leaned in close to the plexiglass. For a moment, a sharp bite of anger spoiled his laughter as he acknowledged the barrier as the only thing separating him from Ichika. He could have kept her hidden when she finally woke from her coma, locking them away from society and living their lives together in peaceful oblivion. Never to worry about other men taking her from him or a smile that cried more than laughed. 

Ichika would have never looked at him with a smile so big it made her eyes dance with laughter.

Ichika turned her head from him, as if ignoring him would defuse his teasing. It only made him smile more. “Are there any strays left in Shinjuku?”

“I only brought No. 15 home!” Ichika snapped her head back towards him. She pursed her lips in a pout. “And only because his paw was injured. He’s recovering from a traumatic event.” Ichika paused, and her eyes dropped. “Besides, Kazuki says we can’t have more than two cats right now.”

Shiraishi laughed again. An abrupt cough behind him did nothing to stifle his amusement. Let his guard be uncomfortable with his reactions. Shiraishi wasn’t here to appease the man. He wasn’t here to appease anyone but the woman in front of him. Even his contentment came second to her. He would have certainly stayed hidden if that had been the case.

“Two cats are plenty.” The narrow-eyed pout Ichika gave him kept his smile from flipping. “Cats are content to be free and allowed to live as they please. Most of them prefer to be left alone.”

“Aoi would disagree with that.” Ichika poked a finger towards him, stopping short of the plexiglass. “He is the most cuddly animal I’ve ever met.”

The muscles in Shiraishi’s face softened, and he could see the reflection of his expression descend over Ichika. She dropped her chin slightly and shuffled the photos in her laps. She sighed, and her eyes had dulled the next time she looked at him. “I’m sorry.”

Shiraishi blinked. “Sorry?”

“It’s been months.” The short statement hovered between them. It felt like a hand had wrapped around his throat when Shiraishi swallowed. Ichika swiped at the corner of her eye. “And all I can do is talk about everyone else and cats.”

Shiraishi wanted to reach through the plexiglass and pet the top of her head. It was the only thing he could think of doing that might cheer her up. For all his profiling experience, he was still struck dumb by normal human interaction. He could watch others perform simple acts of comfort and love, analyze their motives and voice a number of conjectures to how the situation occurred. But performing those simple acts still made him pause and fumble to find the right course of action.

“Thank you.”

The words slipped past his lips before he could even form a coherent thought to verbalize them. He blinked, but his own surprise was locked away by the time Ichika reacted to the whisper. Her eyes rapidly blinked, and she swiped a hand over them again. “What are you thanking me for?”

His small smile almost hurt. “Everything.”

A single tear slipped down Ichika’s face. Shiraishi frowned, but Ichika quickly wiped it away. Her face twisted ever so slightly, and for the first time in over ten years, Shiraishi had no idea how to interpret the expression she possessed. It was gone in an instant, replaced by the simple determination so ingrained in his memory. “Commissioner Minegishi said that your cooperation has been vital in tracking down the remaining active members of Adonis.”

Shiraishi tilted his head slightly, his expression carefully blank. It was only logical that Minegishi would have a part in the decommissioning of Adonis. Minegishi had sat in on plenty of his interviews, jotting down notes of what little Shiraishi could offer on the inner workings of Adonis. Nothing was ever said to him on the progress of locating members of Adonis, not that he was surprised. He had never expected them to share information with him as long as he remained imprisoned and under suspicion. He would have chided them for being so quick to trust him.

“So he’s been open to the suggestion of you having more visitations.” Shiraishi blinked, but Ichika hardly needed encouragement. “It’s only once a month now, but in the future, he may be able to increase the list of visitors and number of visits.” She glanced at the guard behind him. “And maybe for longer durations too.”

Shiraishi smiled at her attempt to be subtle. Letters passed between Yanagi were enough to keep him going. A brief visit once a month was like a beacon of light on his dull life now. He almost didn’t want to hope for more than that, a small fear that their separation would be made all the more painful. But he would take that chance in a heartbeat. Clearly, he wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

Shiraishi frowned as the guard behind her moved. He shuffled over and leaned down to speak in her ear. Ichika flinched, and Shiraishi clenched his hands. The guard returned to his post. Ichika blinked and gave him that sad smile. “I have to go.”

A suffocating fluttering inside him almost made Shiraishi claw frantically at his chest. Returning to the white walls of his box where monotony was broken only repetitive interviews and therapy sessions was the last thing he wanted. Even Shiraishi had his limits, and those limits were being testing to the fullest.

Shiraishi closed his eyes and evened his breathing. This was a necessary evil. This was his atonement, for all the crimes he committed in Adonis’s name. For killing Rei, he thought with a sharp twist in his chest. It was a necessary evil that would allow him to one day walk freely in the light with Ichika. The thought of a future with her was enough to bolster his resolve even as he tasted the bitterness of resentment for those who shared their time with her _now_.

When he opened his eyes again, he found that his lengthy pause had saddened Ichika further. She chewed in her bottom lip, and her fidgeting arms made it easy for him to imagine her twisting her fingers together. Shiraishi summoned a smile with practiced ease. “I suppose I’ll see you next month.”

His attempt at levity sounded desperate even to his own ears. It jolted Ichika from her internal thoughts, and she set her shoulders as if she was about to face Zero a second time. “Of course! And I’ll make sure I have better things to talk about, and more pictures of the cats, and—”

Shiraishi’s chuckle cut off her passionate rant. “You could sit in silence for the entire visit, and I’ll be happy with that.”

Her eyelashes fluttered, but she firmly nodded. Ichika stood and grabbed her bag. Shiraishi slowly rose with her but not before catching her glare at the guard behind him. Apparently, he hadn’t been the only one to pick up on the hostile air of his guard. “I’ll write more letters.”

“I’ll look forward to it.”

“And I’ll take more pictures of the cats.”

“Not all of them want to be adopted.”

The pout she gave him was more preferable to the sad smile. “You and Kazuki act like one cat makes me an extreme cat lady.”

“Two. You won’t be able to make No. 15 leave when he’s healed even if you wanted to.” Shiraishi smiled at the grunt she gave him. The muscles in his face briefly twitched as he was unable to hide away his jealously. “Besides, more cats would mean your attention would be divided even more between them. It’s already hard now when Yanagi and the others take up so much of your time.”

Ichika seemed surprised for a moment before a small smile accented her new blush. “There’s nothing for you to worry about, Shiraishi. Nothing could take my attentions from you.”

His chest constricted as if the new bubbling emotions inside of him were too much to be constrained. He took a small step closer to the divider. “Ichika…”

“I’ll see you next month,” Ichika said, her firm tone brokering now argument. She jabbed a finger at him. “Don’t push Morioka to put a bad mark in your file.”

“I’ll behave.”

Ichika nodded. She inhaled as if to say more but thought better of it. She nodded a second time and turned to leave. A part of Shiraishi understood. Dragging out their farewells would only make it worse. She needed to return to Yanagi with his detective agency, and Kazuki with his budding music career, and Enomoto with his clumsy friendship. He would disappear into his cell and cling to the memory of this short visit and her letters to get him through until the next visit.

He turned to smile at his guard (making him nervous enough to think twice before messing with Shiraishi) when the guard on Ichika’s side made a noise. Shiraishi glanced over his shoulder and blinked as Ichika stomped back to the plexiglass. Her brow was furrowed, and jaw firmly set. Shiraishi felt a momentary flash of panic, a feeling he could starkly identify after seeing Ichika facedown Zero. He analyzed every part of their meeting that may have invoked her anger, but nothing raised any flags. Did she realize at the door that he wasn’t worth all this hassle?

Ichika stopped close enough to the plexiglass that Shiraishi thought she would hit her nose. Her hands clenched into fists at her waist, and her face was slowly changing into a bright red. She inhaled, and Shiraishi braced himself.

“I love you.”

Shiraishi felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. Of all the things she would say, that was the list thing he had anticipated. She still looked so fierce that Shiraishi had to laugh, though it felt like he had to squeeze enough air from his lungs to do so. “What’s with that expression? I thought you were about to pick a fight.”

Her faced colored even more, and her cheeks puffed out slightly. She looked as if she was about to turn away without acknowledging him again. Shiraishi’s body lurched forward on its volition. “Ichika! I love you too.”

He caught himself short of tripping on his own feet. Ichika blinked, and the widest smile he had seen all day stretched across her face. She nodded and left without another word. Shiraishi smiled all the way back to his cell, memorizing the light feeling in his chest for when he would need it later, when his tiny world began to feel too fragile for him to handle.

A new fantasy took hold inside of him, one with two cats and a smiling Ichika sitting contently beside him. That would be the future he lived for now. If that meant restraining his blunt manner a little with Morioka and not provoking his guard to a mental breakdown, then he would live with that. The more visits he had with Ichika, the stronger his resolve would become.

Until the day when a sheet of plexiglass no longer kept them separated. 

**Author's Note:**

> More Ichika/Shiraishi for my Collar X Malice kick. I've kept myself completely blind of any spoilers for Unlimited (save for glimpsing an occassional CG), which only made me want to write something more. Their ending is too bittersweet to not want something more to come afterwards.


End file.
